I can’t really remember when I first started drinking, 12 or 13? I do remember however living with an alcoholic mother that I never wanted to be like …how wrong was I! Living with an alcoholic parent at first you don’t seem to notice it and I was only about 6 when it started. As time went on it got worse and worse, and its not as if she was a quiet drunk! She was very loud, violent, and I lived with this right through my teens. Mum died through alcohol addiction in February 2019 – did this have an effect and was it a cause of my addiction? Who knows.

My teens were those of a pretty normal teenager, the usual drinking and getting into trouble. But by my 20s I was drinking heavily nearly every day, getting into bigger trouble, in and out of police cells, and disappearing for days. I committed two drink driving offenses, the second nearly resulted in me going to prison.

The ’90s clubbing scene was very much on the go in England and I was taking every drug known to man. Interestingly, I managed to control that… it was the alcohol I always craved; you know, the legal stuff!!

In my 30s it started to get serious. I was dependent on alcohol daily, although at the time I chose not to realise this. I had been in the steel industry in Yorkshire from the age of 17 and I had worked my way up the ladder …this however came at a price, as back in the ’90s and early ’00s there was a massive drinking-culture in the industry. It was a very stressful environment and back in the day going out at lunch for 5 or 6 pints, and then going back to office, was just the norm. Corporate do’s after do’s, all over the country and sometimes abroad …drink drink drink… it always sealed the deal!

The Steel industry was very good to me in many ways, I left school with no qualifications and went straight into sales. I learnt and earned a lot – life lessons, friends, experience in all aspects of steel, and management, etc. etc. …and drinking! It was any excuse to go to the pub, or a function, just to drink. Especially in the ’90s, business was buoyant and there were big deals to be done. In the

noughties it started to flatten out and things got tougher and more stressful and demanding …a drink at the end of the day was always welcomed and on the agenda. It’s just when it started to be a drink in the morning and throughout the day it became a serious problem.

Between 35 and 40 was the height of my alcoholism. I needed alcohol every day to function. I kept vodka in a water bottle next to the bed to bring me round and to stop the vicious shakes. I was drinking to take away the sickness, drinking to get an appetite, drinking during work, drinking after work, drinking at night into the early hours, drinking cans on my own, repeated day after day. I was literally under the influence every day for years.

I tried a couple of times to stop and detox. This just resulted in me going to hospital to be treated for alcohol withdrawal. Hell, I even drank aftershave one morning because I had no alcohol in the house, just to stop the shakes until I could get to the shop for vodka!

Over the years many people had told me I had a drink problem and needed help. I could never accept this and simply wouldn’t listen, hearing the truth made me feel scared. I did everything I could to block that out, I ended up losing my job through turning up to work totally drunk and driving the company car. Eventually, something had to give. My doctor told me one day, after a series of tests etc., that I would die soon if I carried on. I didn’t take much notice to be fair, as I was drunk at the time.

The doctors words did stick with me however and with the support of my wife I somehow found the strength to go back to the doctors and say the dreaded words at the time, “…I’m an alcoholic.” I was diagnosed with ethanol dependency (same thing) …I decided to go to rehab and therapy.

I was 39 when it came to an end and I finally got sober. I had my last can of Fosters on the way to rehab on 18th May 2014, and I even signed the can which I still have to this day on my mantelpiece; a souvenir and a bit of motivation.

I needed medication to manage my withdrawl symptoms and alcohol cravings, I felt a bit zombified in the initial phase of my sobriety. Then – after around 3 months – I was on my own in terms of detox medication, although I was still taking anti-depressants (and still am to this day).

After the medication phase, I think they say the first 90 days are the most vital to recovery, and if you maintain sobriety for this time your chances of relapse reduce dramatically. I was one of the lucky ones who managed not to relapse and I am proud to say I have had no relapses since I have been sober; how did I manage this? That’s a good question and it was tough at first, there’s no denying that, but I think mainly what stuck with me was the fear of how ill I had allowed myself to get.

The memory of how bad my anxiety levels were when I was drinking, and my mental health deteriorating, the panic attacks, not sleeping, laying in bed with my heart beating so fast on occasions, and just waiting for it all to be over …that horrible memory kept me sober. I never ever want to feel like that again! The 20 minute buzz is not worth my life being out of control. Many people can drink safely – I’m not wired-up in the head properly to just have one; for me, one turns into a full session or constant drinking until further notice.

Another thing keeping me sober in those early days was the thought of the knock-on effect my drinking had had on family, friends, and work. Basically everything had been affected – alcohol made me toxic.

Talking openly has been a massive comfort and great therapy. I had one-to-one counselling for several years but I personally never opted for Alcoholics Anonymous. AA just didn’t feel right for me, but talking and talking and more talking has been so good for my recovery and it still is today even after all my years sobriety. Whatever approach you use, addiction needs to be managed daily.

When I got sober, I started my own transport business which I have now been running since 2016, It is one of many things that spurs me on. It seems quite ironic after all my drink issues, drink-driving offences, and now a recovering alcoholic that I drive for a living! We even do a lot of deliveries to whiskey distilleries!!

Obviously this is something I could not have done if I had still been drinking, not only because of the driving, but my state of mind to run a business just wouldn’t have been there. I don’t have kids but there are many other reasons for me to carry on with my recovery. And I will be in recovery for the rest of my life.

Life has just got better and better and so much easier in sobriety. It is not without its challenges, and the recent loss of my mother, and the suicide of my brother were especially hard to deal with. Both through alcohol-related issues and this was sure a test; the drink-devil reared its ugly head trying to tempt me back but I told him to do one! I just thought of how much worse I would feel with the added-extra of alcohol anxiety. I didn’t touch a drop and I have sort of brainwashed myself into thoughts that stop me going back.

It is easier for some than others to do this, I know, but there is a way out if you speak up. I’m living proof – I’ve waited a long time but I am now the man I have always wanted to be.

Sobriety works for me and it can for you.